...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
