Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
