Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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