oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
