i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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