I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
