Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
