I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
