He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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