I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
