I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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