Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
