Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
