farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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