Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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