She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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