just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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