Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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