I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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