i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
