im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
