I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
