someone threw a dead crab at me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
