So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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