I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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