This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
