Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize