i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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