She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
