Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
