Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
