Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
