just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
