did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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