I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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