oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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