I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
