so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
