I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
