The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
