Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
