I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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