the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have fence marks all over my body
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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