Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
