Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
