I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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