my phone needs a breathalizer
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
