i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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