A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
