and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
