He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Sober January is a disaster.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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