the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I deserve this hangover.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
