I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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