i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
