the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
