By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
