new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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